Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
