It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
