the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I understand Curling. That high.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
