my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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