i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize