I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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