He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
