I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I love having hate sex.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize