So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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