"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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