just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
