One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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