I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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