you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
