I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
