I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
