you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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