its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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