a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
