oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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