Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
