textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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