I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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