I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
