So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
