she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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