Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
