i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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