i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
