I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
did you just send me my own nude
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
