I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
