Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
