Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize