remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
