My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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