Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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