Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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