I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
