can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
