its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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