Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
