he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
