he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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