Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize