dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
