Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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