he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
