I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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