The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
