either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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