I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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