I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
