Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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