Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
