I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize