Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
