We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
