Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Never joke about your clitoris.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
