My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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