i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
